John's Reason
by xXxTearsOfTrueLovexXx
Summary: Title is pretty self explanitory, but it's basically the reasons why John Winchester does the things he does. rated M for strong language near the end, and some minor gore, because some people might need to be warned bout the way i talk or write.


John's Reasons

Ownership Rights: I don't own anything but a crappy old gateway, a hell of a lot of boredom and a three year old cat named Zeba.

John Winchester was well aware that just 'bout everyone that wasn't a hunter that crossed paths with him and his sons, together or apart, thought he was a selfish cold hearted and abusive jackass of a father, even some of the hunters, hell even Sam at least thought he was a selfish cold-hearted jackass, course he probably thought of all the training John had put him and Dean through as abuse. Most of the people who knew John's story (Bobby Singer, Pastor Jim, and Daniel Elkins being the only exceptions, and now two of them were dead) thought all he cared about was avenging Mary, that killing the thing that had killed her was his only reason for still being alive, instead of joining her in death. Those people, **ALL** of those people, were flat assed dead as a rattler with it's had chopped clean off and its guts spilled out all over **WRONG**. John knew that, Dean had even known at some point. Before John got closer to finding the demon and had had to leave Dean behind painfully ignoring all of Dean's random worried phone calls so that his Ace would be a safe as John could possibly keep him, Sam too when he came back "home".

It wasn't that he didn't still love Mary; he did, could never really fully stop loving her even if he'd wanted to, and trust him he's tried. Back when the grief and pain were near to unbearable John had tried everything he could think of to stop loving her, it obviously hadn't worked, because even after all this time he hadn't stopped completely but the pain was easier to deal with, like his love for her had changed, and he knew now that he was going to be okay. Most nights he could get to sleep without drinking himself there, and when he did drink it was to relax and forget everything he'd seen, and done. He could eat without seeing her standing in their kitchen mixing pancake batter and frying bacon, sometimes making cheeseburgers, or making apple pie, He could watch a movie without wishing she was there so he could wrap his arms around her. He could even wake up in the morning without her by his side giving him that smile that had always helped him get through even the toughest days, that's what he'd always missed the most about Mary, her smile. But even then John wasn't so hell bent on getting revenge for Mary, over her death that it was all that he lived for, it wasn't even the reason for his quest for revenge, which he did want, but not for Mary's sake, she was gone, and he knew that, he also knew that whether or not he avenged her wouldn't matter to her anymore. Even though he stilled loved her, it was less of being in love with her, then it was loving memories of the woman he'd fallen for, married, had children with.

No, John's vengeance wasn't for Mary, it was for their sons, even if Dean and Sam didn't know it, it was for the things they never got to do with their mother, the things they'd never know about her, that beautiful smile neither of them would remember clearly, for all that losing her had put them through, whether brought on by John's grief and anger, some mean kids in school yapping their rotten little mouths off, or just not having her there for them. John wanted revenge because of that; John was alive because of them, **THEY** were his life, whether they knew that or not. The entire reason did the things he did was to keep them safe, the thought of either of them being hurt by something he could have stopped, could have prevented, before it even considered messing with his boys just 'bout killed him. When the worst of his grieving for Mary had passed that thought had entered his mind, that whatever it was that had killed her had really been after their boys. Thinking that something could do to one of his sons what'd been done to Mary, to him by his losing her, or the things he'd seen happen to any of the other victims of the things he'd hunted over the years, that thought stabbed him right through the heart, and made his blood boil at the same time. When he found out what had happened to Sammy's girl, all he'd done for two months straight was hunt, barely resting even when he was injured, reverting back to his days of grieving the loss of his wife, even though he'd never gotten the chance to really meet the girl. John would do anything for Dean and Sam; he would give up his life in a heartbeat, if one of them needed him to, go through the worst kinds of torture if it meant his boys would be safe, healthy and maybe even happy.

The entire reason he'd picked that god awful fight with Sam was he knew that no matter how proud he was of him for all he'd accomplished in getting a full-time scholarship to Stanford of all places, not just some run down community college on the outskirts of some hick town in the middle of nowhere but, Stanford even after the life they lead moving constantly, with the boys missing school all the time. But John being proud of Sam, or happy for him wouldn't keep Sam safe and he couldn't just let his baby boy just go off somewhere where he couldn't be there protecting him from the things that bump around at night, and sending Dean with him wouldn't have been fair for either of them, even if Dean would have gone. So at the time he'd figured, if he didn't have anything to do with Sam the things he hunted wouldn't either, and the best way to do that was to push the kid away, okay so it had been a pipe dream, but, he'd went with it anyway.

And when he'd discovered Azazel's plans for Sammy, he'd spent weeks vomiting at the thought of someone (or thing) doing that to his little Sammy and even longer trying to find a way to stop something from happening to Sam from what Azazel had already done without Sam being seriously hurt or possibly even without Sam knowing any of it had even happened, before self-hatefully admitting to himself what would have to be done if he couldn't fix it and the demon's blood drove Sam too far. And maybe John wasn't up for the father of the year award (which honestly that didn't matter to him when faced with his boys' safety); maybe he wasn't a soccer dad. That doesn't mean he wouldn't do anything for his sons, hell he'd do more for his boys then some parents would even consider doing for their kids.

No one else knew it but, the first man John had killed after 'Nam hadn't had anything to do with the supernatural as far as John knew, it had been a psychopathic pervert that made the mistake of getting his hands on Dean when he was three years old. Mary never knew what he'd really done to the man, and Dean didn't remember any of it happening, he'd been home safe in Mary's arms when John had gone after the man anyway, and John had absolutely no plans of telling him, or anyone else for that matter.

But he figured that God, if there really was a God, got the point. John the Fuck Winchester would walk through the hottest fires of hell, past all the fucking demons that were down there, walk right past all the people being tortured, Dance in fucking circles 'round the devil himself shoot him in the balls, steal and fuck his girl (if he had one) shoot all his dogs, drink all his booze (if he had any) then skip merrily back out waving fucking victory flags if his boys needed him to. In other words, **JOHN** **WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR DEAN AND SAM**.

Which is what brought him here, now, to this, standing here making this deal, giving his life, literally trading it for Dean's, because in the end, when it came down to it John didn't matter one bit, his life wasn't worth half a millimeter without both of his sons in it, without Dean somewhere on this Earth whether he was right next to him or a million miles away. Dean not being alive just wasn't acceptable to John. His oldest son HAD to be alive, pulling pranks, picking on his little brother, joking, blaring Metallica, hitting on women, taking care of Sammy and the Impala, John could deal with himself being dead, death didn't scare him at all, he could deal with torture, but one of his boys dying, that he could never live with. So here he stood, bartering with his worst enemy over his very soul, so that Dean would live, so that Ace wouldn't see hell's depth yet, so Sam wouldn't know the pain of losing his brother/best friend, yet, for long as John could hold it off, because in this world, especially with the lives they lead, death was inevitable, but at least he could keep it away from his sons a for a little longer.

He trusted that they would do what they had to, finish the job, the biggest hunt of their lives, Kill Azazel, and John almost dared to hope that when they had, they would both make it out of the fight alive, and maybe be able to lead more normal lives, maybe even settling down, having their own families, but he knew that was probably just a pipe dream like all the others ended up being. And John had learned not to hang his world on dreams; he'd realized that once you got into this life, it didn't let you back out. There was a lot he wished he could tell the boys, so much that he wished he'd been able to say, but he knew Azazel wouldn't let him have that much time.

He settled for telling Dean the most important things, hoping he'd pass most of it on to Sam, all but the worst, because Dean would have to know the worst, even though john wanted to protect him from that as much as Sam. He had to know, so that maybe, just maybe he'd find something John hadn't, maybe he'd be able to stop Azazel's plans and save Sammy. And that maybe meant so much to John, it was the last dream he would dare to hang his world on, it and the love he felt for his sons, were John Winchester's last thoughts as his heart stopped beating and the darkness of the depths of hell claimed him, As he gave the greatest sacrifice for them, for his sons, Because they, above all else were John's reasons.

Author's Note: I have limited access to Supernatural episodes because my mother's laptop is the only computer we have with internet access and she's highly religious and absolutely hates anything dealing with the supernatural or demons, therefore, watching it's banned even though I love it. So some of my info for Supernatural stories may be based on fanfiction, I really am trying to do my best though. Also when this story says "his Ace", I of course don't know it for sure but I believe John called Dean, Ace, as a nickname, possibly just stole it from fanfiction but, anyhoo, I do not by any means, mean for the "his" part to insinuate anything other than a father, son relationship between the two. On another note; If my foul language or little bit of mild gore has offended anyone in any way I'm sorry but I'm southern, I live in/spent the last 10/11 years in redneck acres and that's just the way that I talk. Besides if the gore does offend you then, Why the hell do you watch this show?

I hope ya'll have enjoyed this much as I enjoy writin' it Thanxz for readin,

xXxTearsofTrueLovexXx


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